Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
