my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Michael Bay diarrhea
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
