Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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