What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
