if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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