apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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