my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
