Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
