On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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