We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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