good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
