Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
