just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
