Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He better not be in your backpack
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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