I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
