I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
