So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
