i think my tv is drunk
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize