Dude my mom stole all your condoms
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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