I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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