He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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