i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
