It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Randomize
