so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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