You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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