i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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