I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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