I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize