Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
two words: eviction party
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
