Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
i now understand why vodka
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
