dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
