She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
