Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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