there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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