Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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