Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
