i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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