Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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