No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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