Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
