Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
