i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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