Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
