I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
