my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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