My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
