I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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