last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
