When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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