i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
