Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
