I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
