Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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