I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize