Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
